An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,  “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big
onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The light was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! You could have killed us.”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh shit! Am I driving?”