Mark O Brien

Making Love

By Mark O’Brien

In our post-modern sexual society the term making love has simply become a glorified, romantic way of describing sex of any description.

There is a way in which our desire for intimacy and connection has simply been sexualised and cheapened, turned into a commodity for sale, and our deeper longings for something more real have been ignored or trampled upon in our desire for a quick fix, a quick release of what is often sexual anxiety.

This may simply be a reflection of our desire to feel worthy, to feel OK with ourselves.

Very few men, or women, have any idea that ‘making love’ is a phrase that describes a space, more than an act, where love can actually be made rather than it being simply a more romantic description of ‘having sex’ that women like.

Mothers know that the home and all the relationships in it run far more harmoniously when she’s been really met in a sexual context, where love has been created.

This love feels tangible, and everything such lovers touch turns to gold.

Many people know from personal experience when we have been in love ourselves or we are simply in contact with someone who is deeply in love, that when you are really in love, and lovemaking is deeply nourishing, the love spreads out to all you come in contact with.

There is a magic in making love that renders most other experiences impotent such is its alchemical nature. It is the place where indeed gods dwell, where mysticism comes alive.

With making love an available option, why stay stuck on disconnected quickies just for the sake of relieving a bit of stress when such quickies only produce greater disconnection? See also on this site an article The orgasm and happiness conneciton. See also for Unprotected sex as an anti-depressant

For those who are married, or have kids or in a committed relationship, or who really want their relationship to work, to be all that it can be, it is important to understand that unless your lovemaking is good, the relationship is usually doomed as lovemaking creates the grounding for love to grow.

And this has become more relevant today than it was. For people of yesteryear companionship was the glue that has kept them together in their relationships.

Today people commonly have companionship with the opposite sex at work or socially, leaving making love and sexual intimacy to the domain of relationship.

Reading about sexuality, or learning about new ideas about love making, is usually the domain of the woman.

This relates to the woman usually being more tuned in to ‘something more’, probably a result of years of simply being a receptical for her man’s sperm and hoping and praying that there is, indeed, something more.

Women’s magazines are full of bedroom tips, of discussions of this or that technique, most of which are increasingly about providing more pleasure to the man, as if by making sex more pleasureable for the man the woman may also get what she needs. This may be true, but unlikely.

What men do not realise, is that every ounce of energy spent deepening the connection with their woman, of listening to her sexual needs, of doing the work (reading, looking at the inner conversation and conditioning around sex, at the light in which they see women in terms of sexual equality etc), will be repaid tenfold in terms of the sheer pleasure of lovemaking and in terms of how relaxing it can be to be at home.

A woman who has been made love to properly is a shining flower whose fragrance permeates the whole of life.

A woman who is not being made love to properly will in time become dissatisfied, and will lose respect for her man, and the nagging begins.

Think about it guys, you know it is true.

When you leave your woman after sex (when you get out of bed), is she blissful, are her eyes bowls of love or have they clouded over? Is she happier for sex, and I mean happier, not just less stressed? Are you doing your job?

See Longer lasting sex, the reality,  Common Causes of Unfulfilling Sex and How to have more fulfilling sex which form  a series by Mark O’Brien examining sexuality on today’s world.

Further reading

Osho (formerly Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh) spoke extensively about sex as being the basic energy of our lives from which all else arises.

Osho also spoke extensively of the spiritual aspects of sex, in particular the tragedy and misunderstanding of the West in de-spiritualising sexuality. Do a google on Osho and sex. Also, check out for a Youtube film of Osho speaking on making love.

Australian Tantric master Barry Long has written extensively about sex potentially being the making of love inside a woman’s body.

He describes how the penis must be trained (via techniques he devised and also describes in his Making Love tapes) to withstand, to ‘hold’ the beauty of the woman as she falls into lovingness.

David Deida, sexual therapist and author, writes about it being the woman’s archetypal job to pull the sperm from the man, to try and unbalance him, to pull him out of his life purpose (a la Adam and Eve), while it is the man’s job to not be swayed, to be true.

Quite radical in his approach, he has lots of interesting things to say, though is not for everyone and should be taken with a grain of salt.

Mantak Chia became quite famous for his books on cultivating sexual energy a la the Tao. Worth a look and worth learning some techniques if only to discard later while retaining the ones that work for you.

Marnia Robinson’s revolutionary book, Peace Between the Sheets, which introduces the role of neurobiology into the sexual conversation, is definitely worth a read, and an experiment.

Explaining the latest in sexual neurological research into orgasm and its impact on relating Marnia is very down to earth but also quite radical. She has also written a new book, Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow.

See also The Heart of Tantric Sex by Diana Richardson (Satya Puja) which was previously published as The Love Keys: The Art of Ecstatic Sex

“How to keep love fresh and new is the real challenge for lovers today. Indeed, how can we increase this love and make it grow? In its unique and intelligent approach to sex, Tantra offers answers that have the effect of enhancing intimacy and deepening love.

When we validate sexuality by incorporating consciousness, we discover sex to be a healing spiritual force. And, surprisingly, the sexual interest does not gradually ‘burn out’ – the attraction increases. The sexual experience gets finer and finer as time passes… Tantra, which is everybody’s birthright, removes the darkness and brings light to life.”

Margot Anand has also become famous internationally for her Tantra workshops, what she has called SkyDancing Tantra, as well as being author of some groundbreaking work.Visit 

Chuluaqui Quodoushka is an American Indian Tantra tradition that has also become popular. See their website

There are lots of Tantra teachers who run workshops and have written books teaching people techniques of making love. Do a google search, find someone your resonate with. See for some links to sites that treat you like an adult.

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